I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
