The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
