Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize