i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
