my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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