I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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