I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
