I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
