The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
