My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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