i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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