this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
