we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
