i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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