Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
