No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
