I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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