Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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