So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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