RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
