I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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