When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
