had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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