I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
