were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
