I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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