you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
