why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He passed out mid-signature
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
This is the high leading the old right now
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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