Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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