i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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