thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
