my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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