I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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