I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
