So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
