I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
this boner is exhausting
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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