now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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