I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
