two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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