; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
