There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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