Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
