just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
