Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
