Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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