i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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