i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
