just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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