Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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