Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I need to stop coming to work sober
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
