Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
