did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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