there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
