We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize