i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
