I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
