I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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