She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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