it was like having sex with a tree stump
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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