I am puke
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
