Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my being single is dangerous.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
