What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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