I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We are all done wearing pants today
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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